Haven't posted much lately... got nothing to say. Am miserable now... will be happier as of Monday at 9:30!!

So. I read Harry Potter, I admit, and the best thing about it is that my incredibly smart boyfriend bought the book for me - at the Publix in downtown St. Petersburg, while I was laid up in a hotel room, hung over and feeling poorly. There's nothing like lying in a free room on the 13th floor, during a thunderstorm, drinking mimosas, reading teh 7th HP book, and listening to your hawt boyfriend watch a marathon of "American Gladiator" on ESPN Classic. Punk fucking Rock.
And I am a pervert. We all know that. And I love me some mother fucking Harry Potter - I am a die hard fan, boasting even of national on line HP trivia game CHAMPIONSHIP.
There's this community on Live Journal, consisting solely of dork-scribed Harry Potter fan fiction porn, which I think is just precious, hahaha. But you can't read the stories unless they "approve you". And who knew this was going to be a vetting process worthy of getting my piss tested and my hymen verified? Fucking A.
I now have the very dubious privilege of having been DENIED by a cabal of turdtastic juvenile fanfic dweebs because I guess they thought I might read their horny little scribbles and then drop many NASTY bits of knowledge in their COMMENTS, which but seriously to me sounds like a dread waste of TIME, which in my case is limited and of some value. So, I am not worthy, I suppose.
I ask any friend of mine now or in the future to crash this fanfic site (link will be provided when I can find it) and copy some of the most pervvy and douchey of the Harry Potter durty stories, and forward to me so that I might send them shamelessly over the internets to my other dork friends and drinking companions, a lot of whom work with me. Thank you.

You Are A Professional Girlfriend!

You are the perfect girlfriend - big surprise! Heaven knows you've had enough practice. That's why you're a total pro. If there was an Emily Post of girlfriends, it would be you. You know how to act in every situation ... to make both you and your guy happy.

Muahahahahahahaha!!!!!

Your Personality Profile

You are dependable, popular, and observant. Deep and thoughtful, you are prone to moodiness. In fact, your emotions tend to influence everything you do. You are unique, creative, and expressive. You don't mind waving your freak flag every once and a while. And lucky for you, most people find your weird ways charming!

And again:

Which God or Goddess are you like? Your Result: Budha   You are Budha. You are a very peaceful person, you love all who love you. You are a cheerful personality, and you have a great sense of humor. Congratulations!! You are Budha!!
Goddess Sekhemet
You are your own God or Goddess
Jesus
The Christian God
Goddess Bast
Satan
God Zeus
Which God or Goddess are you like? Make Your Own Quiz

And the funniest one, 'cause y'all know I am SO emo (hahahaha)


and one more....

My coordinator at my "real job" sent this to me today..... at work.



Who doesn't love zombies!!!

I will be impaled by a frozen urine spike expelled from a jetliner, and the evidence will melt before my family can sue the airline company for big time hush money...



How will you die? Take the Exotic Cause of Death Test

yeah.
of course.

from antiwarposters.com:

religion quiz stolen from david:


The top score on the list below represents the faith that Belief-O-Matic, in its less than infinite wisdom, thinks most closely matches your beliefs. However, even a score of 100% does not mean that your views are all shared by this faith, or vice versa.

Belief-O-Matic then lists another 26 faiths in order of how much they have in common with your professed beliefs. The higher a faith appears on this list, the more closely it aligns with your thinking.

How did the Belief-O-Matic do? Discuss your results on our message boards.



1. Neo-Pagan (100%)
2. Hinduism (93%)
3. Mahayana Buddhism (88%)
4. Unitarian Universalism (86%)
5. New Age (84%)
6. Sikhism (78%)
7. Liberal Quakers (73%)
8. Reform Judaism (68%)
9. Theravada Buddhism (64%)
10. Jainism (64%)
11. New Thought (64%)
12. Scientology (57%)
13. Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (57%)
14. Orthodox Judaism (53%)
15. Bahá'í Faith (53%)
16. Taoism (48%)
17. Orthodox Quaker (42%)
18. Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (41%)
19. Secular Humanism (40%)
20. Islam (38%)
21. Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (34%)
22. Seventh Day Adventist (27%)
23. Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (26%)
24. Jehovah's Witness (25%)
25. Eastern Orthodox (23%)
26. Roman Catholic (23%)
27. Nontheist (20%)

take your quiz here: http://www.beliefnet.com/quizzes/beliefomatic

no, I'm not dead.... just overworked and so freakin' tired.... this is easy.

not for those of prepubescence
you-basics
age::	Dirt is older
did you just lie?:	to your mom
location::	unplottable
education status::	too beaucoup and too smart for my own good and far too expensive
job?:	that I both love and hate and pays for shit and is really stressful...
transportation::	the mother ship
you-favorites
fav color::	black - once you go, you know
fav genre of music::	the kind that doesn't suck ass
fav book::	I like long ones...
current fav song::	the crane wife
fav person::	shaun
fav quote::	"your mom does... in Bang Kok."
fav scent::	tresor by lancome or my crazy hand blended Queen Elizabeth scent
hypotheses
religion?:	heathen
is there any way to prove which, if any, is the "right" one?:	I'm sure we'll all find out in the end
have you ever equated faith to santa, easter bunny, or tooth fairy?:	I have faith in consumerism
too complicated?:	no, just boring
are men and women equal?:	no, women are better
do you participate in government politics?:	I voted for Joe Redner
do you vote?:	see above
if you're too young to vote, you shouldn't be filling this out.:	that's what your mom said!
who are you voting for in 2008?:	myself - I should be preznit
do you think john mccain is sexy?:	I think he looks like a demented troll with scurvy... if you think that's sexy, good for you
i think we all do.:	I think you need help... the bar of soap wrapped in a tube sock kind
honesty time
are you opinionated?:	only stupid people don't have opinions
are you shy?:	oh yes
are you honest?:	sure
do you backstab?:	too clumsy
are you shallow?:	too deep
are you manipulative?:	too lazy
passive aggressive?:	more like aggressively passive
do you label people?:	only with a tape measure
do you label yourself?:	only with a sharpie
why?:	makes life interesting
would you rather...
snore or fart in bed?:	people can sleep through a fart
be blind or deaf?:	blind... and sing kareoke every night
be a extremely wealthy and miserable, or dirt poor and happy?:	moderately wealthy and relatively happy
be in love or lust?:	in love with lust
die young and healthy or die old in slow agony?:	die when life is no longer super fun happy time
drink or smoke?:	drink and eat
republican or democrat?:	kill them all and let God sort them out
dildo or vibrator?:	BOB!!!!
random
when you were little did you want a different name?:	yes
what was it?:	linda ludwig baldsmith
what's your middle name?:	merry michelle
3 things you have but could live without::	job 1, job 2, and certain aquaintences
3 things you couldn't live without:	teh internets, shaun, and my razor sharp wit
do you believe in soul mates?:	yes
do you like dates/dating?:	only with your mom
do you like going to the movies?:	they are a good place to make out
know any other language besides english?:	klingon
one country in europe you wanna (or have) visited:	italy, been there; UK, born to go there
if you could live anywhere besides the US where would it be?:	norway
why?:	fjords!!
what do you think the rest of the world's view on america is?:	they think we suck ass and I agree
what color are your toe nails?:	silver
what about your eyes?:	devil fiend blue
your hair?:	devil fiend fake ass blondy red
that's hot.:	I know
your thoughts on the US military?:	come home boys and impregnate yer wimen
do you support our troops?:	yes - come the fuck home and get laid
do you support the war?:	i support only the war against crinimalization
do you see the difference between the two?:	people see what they want to see
would you rather freeze or fry?:	fry like bacon!!
do you think cowboys are cool?:	no... all jokes aside
i don't.:	that's cool
ever been skiing?:	hate snow
no, snowboarding doesn't count.:	that's for pussies anyway
ever left the country?:	not as much as I like
ever eaten tofu?:	today, actually
ever called your mom a bitch to her face?:	my mom is fron Uranus... and space aliens can read your mind and shit
can you drive stick?:	heh heh heh
did you know the drinking age in germany is 16?:	why are they too dumb to get fake ids like the rest of us
ever been sedated?:	I <3 the ramones!!!!
own a digital camera?:	i got one for shaun for xxxmas... so, kinda
how much debt are you in?:	not enough!!
what's your social security number?:	666 *does the devil horn finger sign!!!*
...you're a complete idiot if you just answered that.:	A lot of people have just typed in their sosh numbers...
are you a myspace whore?:	now I'm a myspace honest woman
i got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one.:	ain't that the truth
Take this survey | Find more surveys | MySpace Surveys Bzoink - The Original Survey Site

So I'm having a rough time right now. My job is really stressing me out, I want to quit smoking, I feel fat, and I have a general sense of malaise and vague impression of impending doom. And like a tad of persecution complex as well... but just because you are paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T out to get you.
S. made me feel a little better last night. Perhaps I am just pms-ing. And certainly it could be a lot worse. I could be a woman in the military: http://www.ericacbarnett.com/2007/03/the_womens_war.html
Man, is THAT fucking depressing. Can you imagine?
I thought today that perhaps I am just depressed. The fact that my insurance won't cover my quit smoking/anxiety medication really pisses me off, too. Those cocksuckers - so it's expensive. Maybe they should take that issue up with the pharmaceutical company instead of just telling me to go fuck myself. But why would you argue with your partner in crime? The Big Pharma and Big Insurance companies are so in bed together, they're stocking up on lube and condoms and renting porn DVDs. God, that pissed me off. I will just be so happy when it's the weekend. But the weekend is only one day... and that one day goes by so fast.... anyway, *sigh*... I'm going to play a crossword puzzle and watch the Colbert Report.

This really happened to me today.

I had a splitting headache on the way home... was hauling ass down the crosstown and decided to stop at the grocery store for a hot second to get a few things. I got my shit rather quickly (for me, anyway)and slid into a check out line behind this mildly creepy looking Cruella De Ville, this weirdly tall elderly lady, buying cat food and milk and vienna sausages. She was pretty snarky with the check out girl, a teenage African-American chick with braces and a bad weave but a pretty smile.... so the dragon lady starts to stump away - AFTER she bitches for a full four minutes about her fucking blue stamps she's collecting from the grocery store, so she can collect the substandard chintzy faux gourmet cookware they're giving away. Then I notice one tin of her snausages has been caught behind the register, didn't quite make it down the conveyer belt. The clerk calls out, gets her back, and Dragon Hag starts snarling, whips out her 2 dollar bills from her Gucci wallet like she was distastefully paying you for a sloppy blowjob and one badly done, and THROWS her piddling two bucks at the clerk. You can tell the clerk wants to cop a 'fuck you, cracker bitch' attitude, and I probably would have if I were her, but she has more patience than me, obviously; she tells the Dragon very quietly, "you don't have to throw your money at me", at which point Dragon Hag TOTALLY FLIPS THE FUCK OUT at little check out chick.
I was still standing there with a throbbing head and rapidly warming dairy products, and of course I so rarely get to put bitchy old yentas in their place at work. "Hey, there, you don't have to be so rude to the clerk, she is just doing her job, you did throw your money at her -" says I, whereupon the old bat just goes absolutely apeshit on ME. The clerk screams for the manager, who comes scurrying over. He's some kinderpunk in black shirt and black tie, some snot nose kid, who's looking at me like I'm the troublemaker here until the Hag of Babylon opens her withered old pie hole once more and resumes unleashing these incomprehensible screeches, mostly directed at me but occasionally at the Manager of this fine establishment. I say one thing, one fucking thing to the kid, something like, "the clerk was absolutely right and this lady is unbelievably rude and really holding me up" and Bitch Hag turns to me and screams "you FUCKING PRICK!!"
There was dead silence for a second. I didn't even really understand what she said, at first. I was like, "What? What did you just call me?" you see, because I don't really register high pitched squallering very well, and I think she was pretty much foaming and flecking spittle by this point. She sucks up to her full hideous height, gives me the most dread absolute evil eye I have ever in my life seen, and splits with this spastic indignant strut, hightailed even, directly out the door.
I turn to the Clerk and the Manager, and gave them a pretty wide eyed "w.t.f??" look.
Dirty Derrick the Wonder Douche Manager says, "She called you a *stage whispers* fucking prick."
My heart was kind of racing there. I felt... righteous. Like I had just bitchslapped the Hydra. The manager says, "yeah, we've asked her before not to come here any more, but she just keeps shopping here." Apparently Dragon Hag was a repeat offender - a lonely cat having bitter old bitch who copped her jollies by randomly abusing the minimum wage employees of a slightly ghetto chain supermarket.
Big pussy that I am, or chalk it up to being a drama queen, I asked the Whiz Kid to escort me out to the parking lot - "She's probably out there waiting by my car, loading caps in her Nine, looking forward to blowing my brains out and completely wiping this smug, standing-up-to-the-Hag shiteating grin off my fat face forever. Come on, don't make me walk out there by myself!" So the kid humors me, probably thinking I am as nutty as a post-Snickers turd... and sure as shit, there's the Evil Old Bat, lurking about in the parking lot! She's aimlessly ramming her shopping cart into parked cars, most likely hoping to get lucky and nail mine. Luckily, I was parked out just of her range - her scrawny neck wringing chicken arms couldn't pump that cart the extra five feet it would have taken to dent my fender. Instantly she locks on to me and Wonder Boy and commences pumping straight uncut brimming eyeballs full of the burning hate right at us.
We threw those groceries in my ride in a quickness, and Boy Manager trucks it on back into the store. I get in, start the engine, and see the whackjob old bitch toss her bag of bones ass into her Camry and start to follow me. I'm thinking she's going to follow me, shoot a trank dart into the back of my neck, kidnap me and sell my organs one by one on the Thai black market, keeping me alive in a tub full of dirty ice and cat piss, only feeding me Vienna Sausages.... but she cannot compete with someone with nerves of steel and a Pontiac Aztek!
I did notice one thing: just as she was waving her stick arms around in the store, as she was at the climax of her high horse and coming just to but not crossing the line of racial slurs against the clerk and about to call me an uppity dyke (in retrospect I think that's where she was going with the "fucking prick" comment), I noticed the Dragon lady has some bling! She had a fucking rock on her hand that Gibraltar would have been jealous of; a diamond ring of such size that I was temporarily blinded, I mean this hunk of junk so SO BIG you could have gouged a sperm whale's eye out with it with nary a problem.
I hate rich old whores. Because I bet that's what she was. Shaun said she was probably spoiled and I agree; spoiled in the same way putrid ground sirloin would be after a month in your trunk under your spare tire. A 60's trophy wife, devolved into a sadistic snatchbat beefcurtain because her husband doesn't want to ball her anymore and now she can't give it away. So she props herself up and makes her life worth living by heaping abuse on anyone even remotely more happy looking, any living thing more cuddly than her, and by asserting her superiority by shitting all over everything in sight.
Poor old bitch. She should just go home and put her head in her oven and be done with it. Better yet, she should burn her suburban ranch house down around her, go out Viking style in a blaze of glory; leave her kids and husband who hate her a nice insurance settlement and minimal funeral costs.

This is all entirely true.

http://www.ojr.org/ojr/stories/070312ruel/

They now have a way to pinpoint where your eye focuses and for how long, when you look at a picture. Check it out!



I think that is so totally cool. Guys look at dick way more than chicks. Duh. They are the only ones that think it's aesthetically pleasing in any way. The ladies just admire its utilitarianism. I mean, come on, you can hold it in your hand and point your urine stream away from you! That's genius!
Dirty boyz.

so I could mow myself.

Disorder	Your Score
Major Depression:	Moderate
Dysthymia:	Moderate
Bipolar Disorder:	Moderate
Cyclothymia:	High-Moderate
Seasonal Affective Disorder:	Moderate
Postpartum Depression:	N/A
Take the Depression Test

so maybe I need to see a doctor? Xanax fixes everything....

great party last night.... my liver hurtd.

http://www.nbc10.com/news/11146328/detail.html

So.... a school principle in Pennsylvania gets caught selling meth, naked, jerking off and watching ghey porn in his office...during school hours.
I like how some other liberal bloggers are just mad because the news story specified that he was watching "gay" porn. Like, he's just a fucking weirdo, but if he's nekkid and yanking his crank to Big Boys Who like Big Black Cox, then he must be a DANGEROUS fucking weirdo, lock him and throw away the keys, because you know how those crazy GAYS are...
Seriously, I think they are missing the point here. The man was a school principal. An authority figure to hundreds of impressionable children. He's in his SCHOOL office, which I presume has a door that shuts and locks. NAKED. Smoking meth, which he had only a little while earlier sold, from his office, to a couple of undercover cops. I would like to think he wasn't naked at that point. But you never know. And he decides to whip out his donger and throw down some hard core anal action, or whatever. The cops come in, Rambo kicking down the door style, and catch the guy sticky handed. Oh, and he had sex toys, too.
Dude, that's just FUCKED UP.
Can you remember when you were a snot nosed zit faced loud mouthed brat and maybe said something dick under your breath to the hot new math teacher and she heard you and sent you to the Principal's office and the whole time he's lecturing you he's got a three inch butt plug up his ass, he's jonsing for a blast of crank and fingering the cover of Anal Space Rangers on Uranus?
What is the world coming to? Really? Like today at work, when some stupid ass teacher was checking into the morning show, and I asked her how many kids she had with her, and she didn't know... children that she was totally responsible for while they were off school grounds, and she didn't know how many there were of them, and actually got a little pissy with me for asking her to FUCKING COUNT THEM.
It's all enough to make me want to home school my chillens.... if I ever have any.

On Alternet today, there is a post regarding the strict anti-immigration law passed in Colorado, and the new measures taken by the state's agricultural dept. to solve the problem of No Mexicans To Pick Melons. http://www.alternet.org/blogs/peek/48659/
I have said many times that I think the nation's immense prison population should be organized into some sort of useful function in society. Not in the "let's test new drugs on them" or "let's sell their organs on the black market" kind of useful function, but I think getting them to pick vegetables and fruit on our nation's farmland is a totally legitimate idea. And the author of the Alternet piece, a guy whose writing I usually like, his attitude was, "Oh now we're using prison slaves instead of illegal immigrant slaves." Hippie. Fuck the prisoners, that's what I think. Unless you're in the pokey for marijuana possession (in which case you should be immediately released and given reparations for your unlawful imprisonment), you probably are getting less punishment than you deserve. I think rapists and child murderers should have to pick berries naked in the blazing sun all day long, while sadistic prison guards take pot shots at their nuts with shotguns full of buckshot; and then they should be made to scrub porta-potties out all night long with nothing but a plastic straw and their own toothbrush. Fuck 'em.
"But what about the immigrants?" you might say. Well, I hate to sound heartless, so I won't say what first comes to my mind. But why should they get such special treatment? Anyone who comes to this country should be expected to work and pay taxes and contribute to the social services just like the rest of us plebians. I have to work, I work two suck ass jobs as a matter of fact, just so I can pay my taxes and insurance and bills and you know, just generally contribute to society and the economy. No one babysits me, except maybe Shaun but that's a different story, not to be mentioned quite now. What's so harsh about documenting immigrants? The government watches me... they probably know exactly how many pairs of panties I have and whether I'm wearing any right now or not....why can't they tell how many non-citizens are living here, whether they're working, and whether or not they're paying their fucking taxes????
Does this make me a heartless bastard? A repuglican? Heavens no... I'm just another slack ass motherfucker who resents any second I'm not slacking and doing exactly whatever I want.

So waking up this morning, tired and irritable, I flipped on Bay News 9 - that mostly pretty much useless, not-so-subtly right leaning, fluff filled pseudo "news" station anchored by a woman who looks like she would be a lot more at home giving hummers to sweaty married golfers in the bathroom of a country club than reporting responsibly on world events. And immediately, I heard two things that pissed me right the fuck off.

Edit - there is a post about this on Shakespeare's Sister' blog today: http://shakespearessister.blogspot.com/2007/03/fired-city-manager-has-groundswell-of.html
Litbrit thinks the city manager guy should be able to sue and win with little trouble. Good for him!!!

One - the city manager of Largo is being fired for desiring a sex change operation. They televised debate from the Largo City Council meeting, in which almost all of the council members came off as narrow minded douches with big fat sticks up their asses. I don't recall how many members the council had, but I do remember that only two voted to support the man and keep him in his position - the mayor of Largo, a woman; and an African American member of the council. The poor man, Steve Something (soon to be Susan Something) looked terribly upset and distraught at what he obviously considered a betrayal by his co-workers. People he had been closely associated with for years, who trusted him and praised his work, were now saying that he was a freak, a dirty dirty nasty sleazebag who deserved to be fired and shipped off to Fire Island or San Fran or wherever they're keeping the trannies these days.... But just imagine the tough time this guy is already having - it can't be easy to come out and say, hey, I want to get my johnson whacked off and wear bras and silky panties and take tons of unnatural hormone pills for the rest of my life because I know deep down I am really a woman inside. And then to get run out on a rail like a con man or a child molester on top of it all. What this boils down to is discrimination. This man is being discriminated against because of his sexuality, or confusion regarding same, or whatever, it doesn't fucking matter. It is exactly the same issue as if the city council said "Oh, Mr. City Manager, you're a homosexual? Well, you're fired, get the hell out of here before we set the dogs on you!" It is exactly the same issue as if the city council said "Oh, Mr. City Manager, you're a Wiccan? Well, you're fired, get the hell out of here before we burn you at the stake, you heretic!"
It's absolutely the same - discrimination. And it shouldn't be tolerated.

Two - The Hillsborough County School Board has decided, in its infinite wisdom, to stop giving kids ANY religious holidays off at all. I suspect this is because the parents of non-christian kids were getting a little cheesed off that their child was out of school for Good Friday, Easter, St. Ignatius of the Satanic Monks of Stalingrad's Day, and No One Expects the Spanish Inquisition Day, but if you wanted your child with you for Yom Kippur or Rosh Hashanna or Beltane, you were S.O.L. Personally, if I ever have a kid, I'm going to make up holidays for the kid to take off, any fucking time I want. It just seems like a very childish move on the part of the HCSB - like "well, if we can't have our Evangelical Christian holidays without you pesky heathens complaining all the time, nobody fucking gets one!" I mean, come on. The kids are just happy to be getting out of class, they don't give a flying rat's fuck whether it's a christian holiday, a hurricane day, or a day of mourning for some reject who offed himself a la Heathers, as long as they can sit on their asses playing Wii and stuffing their faces with Hot Pockets and bagel bites all day, instead of listening to some pompous boring ass teacher drone on and on about useless trivia they'll never use.
Although, I was tickled to see that the kids still get Fair Day off, which really pleases the pagan in me.

Heh.